The Day I Vacuumed My Freezer

Have you ever been alone in your house and heard a really strange noise reverberate from another room? Something that sounded awfully similar to what you can only assume is the racket a nuclear bomb might make if it came crashing through your kitchen skylight? I have.

If you’ve been following this blog since January you might remember the Christmas Gift Awards post I did at the beginning of the year. If not, I’ll bring you up to speed by informing you that the award for Seriously Awesome Gift went to a dozen Jones Soda bottles my youngest little sister personalized for Donnie & I. 

These would be an awesome gift for anyone, but seeing as our last name is so astonishingly unique that we share it with a drink brand who lets you personalize their glass bottles, it’s even more awesome. 

Anyway, I was studying at the house one day and decided I wanted a coke*. We rarely have anything carbonated in the house, so I assumed I was out of luck considering I was far too lazy to make the four block trip to Walmart to purchase one.

After 5 minutes of pouting I remembered we had an entire box of (room-temp) Jones Soda in the pantry. So, I did what anyone wanting a cold, fizzy drink would do, I put one in the freezer and went to study “for a few minutes” while I waited on the left side of my refrigerator to do it’s job. 

…I’m sure you can see where this is going. 

Three-ish hours later, I’m sitting at my desk reading about pyelonephritis and IgA nephropathy (okay, so that’s what I was supposed to be doing, no need to lie on my own blog) tweeting and I hear what can only be explained as the Bad Boys 2 mansion explosion scene going on in my kitchen. 

So, did I jump up and run in there to survey the damage and locate survivors? Nope. I did what anyone with the supernatural ability to instantly forget just about anything would do – I looked around the office, thought “what in the good Lord’s name was that?” and went right back to updating my Facebook status. 

…then I thought, “Man, I really want a coke.”

…then I remembered I had one in the freezer.

This is not my freezer – it belongs to someone who had a similar accident.
Mine looked a lot like this one would look if you tossed a handful of this in it.

And, just in case you were wondering, shards of Jones-Soda-bottle-glass do look a heck of a lot like frozen cream soda…which happens to be a spitting image of the little pieces of ice that accumulate on bags of frozen peas after they have been hanging out in subzero weather for approximately 10 months. 

The rest of my day consisted of placing every last frozen food item and freezer shelf into our sink, washing sticky glass shards and ice spicules off frost-bitten left overs, and – you got it – vacuuming cream soda and broken glass out of the inside of our freezer.

…and I still never got my stupid coke. 

es, the nasty rumors are true, in this part of Texas all fizzy, flavored drinks are “cokes,” not just Coca-Cola. I probably should have included that in the Dialect Debates post.