"Where Can I Get Medicine For My Cattle?"

and other incredible ways people have unsuspectingly googled something a little off-beat and found themselves graced with the presence of my blog.

Original Photo Courtesy of misteraitch on Flickr.

    “where can i get medicine                   for my cattle”

You know, I’m not 100% sure I can help you with that one. You could try here or here, but you should probably check with a professional since I have repeatedly assured my husband we would never be owning any cattle. But, since we’re asking questions, can I ask what in the hell you are doing owning a bunch of cows if you don’t know where to buy their meds?  

“hairy kids”

The correct medical term for this would be hypertrichosis and I’m terribly sorry your child is dealing with this. However, if you’d like to contact Stephanie Meyer and see if she’d be okay with you legally changing their name to Jacob Black it would probably add a good amount of cool factor once the kid makes it to Junior High.

    “drop out of medical school”
    “medical school drop out blog”
    “what does it mean to drop out”

Wiktionary told me that “drop out” me
ans to “prematurely and voluntarily leave,” but I would just say it means to quit. I am not a medical school drop out (yet), so you may have been misdirected by Sir Google in finding me. However, please, for the love of bed pans and pimping questions, make this decision before you are $100,000+ in debt and forever doomed to making corny medical jokes (Hey Aspirin, why you always gotta be COX blockin’?*)

      “drug that will make someone fat”

I’m slightly alarmed by the wording of this search term, as it sounds like you may be quietly plotting the demise your local cheerleading squad. If I were going to help you out, though, I’d probably recommend some caffeine?

 “is cafein fattening”
      “is caffeine fattening”

Yes, almost as fattening as googling search terms with really awesome spelling errors only to be directed to a blog which probably hurt your feelings a little.

“snooki tan”

Look, the citrus-color-skin fad is not attractive and has been repeatedly proven to be not only unhealthy, but detrimental to your hopes of a wrinkle-free mug in the future. But hey, who am I to judge – you can always get in touch with Janice Dickinson or Jenny McCarthy and get a recommendation for a dermatologist who does really great Botox (don’t get me started on the irony of the face of anti-vaccination advocacy allowing a doctor to pump Botulism Toxin into her face). 

 “zygomatic process broke”

I’m no doctor, but if I were I would recommend you hang up and immediately dial 9-1-1. Or, you could try searching for “directions to local emergency department” instead of googling things that only lead you to posts where medical students rant about gender disparities in the health care field. 

“i am green, because”

I once saw my husband turn green when I forced him to ride a rickety, out-of-control, spinning, space-ship-esque ride at the local carnival. Luckily, he was able to keep himself from losing chunks of pepperoni pizza all over my shoes and he wanted to go home, but no way was I wasting my $20 all-you-can ride bracelet…you better believe I rode at least 15 more rides by myself while waving from the top of The Zipper like an 8 year old on a father-daughter date. So, perhaps you’ve been on one too many spinny carnival rides and that’s why you’re green?

Also, I hear you can turn green from sea-sickness. Per my previous exam, I might recommend a Scopolamine patch next time you’re on a boat.

Also, it would be advisable not to run on a treadmill in the glass front gym of your cruise ship if you’d like to maintain your non-green hue…not that I have any personal experience with that…

*Credit to my incredibly witty classmate and 1st year tank mate.